Why Nice Doesn't Always Win

Reading time: 5 minutes

1. Introduction: The ‘Nice’ Trap in Leadership

In management, the notion of being liked and maintaining positive relationships with team members often takes center stage. Many managers are driven by a subconscious desire to be perceived as approachable, fair, and understanding. The belief that being “nice” will foster loyalty and drive performance is deeply ingrained, especially in those who aspire to lead with empathy. It seems logical, after all: if you are liked, your team will be more motivated, more engaged, and more likely to follow your lead.

However, this mindset, while seemingly harmless, can become a trap. It might appear that being nice will win hearts and minds, but in reality, it often undermines true leadership. Leaders who prioritise likability over leadership effectiveness face a significant challenge. In their attempt to maintain harmony and avoid confrontation, they may inadvertently compromise their ability to make tough decisions, give constructive feedback, or hold their team accountable.

Moreover, the desire to be liked can lead to a situation where the manager becomes overly accommodating, avoiding uncomfortable yet necessary conversations for fear of upsetting someone. While this may initially feel like the path of least resistance, it ultimately stifles growth, both for the team and the leader. In this article, we’ll explore how the mentality of “I have to be nice and liked by my people” can hinder management success and why it’s essential to shift the focus from being liked to being an effective leader.

The central question we’ll address is this: Can you truly lead well while trying to be everyone’s favorite? Or is there a more powerful, sustainable approach to leadership that requires a shift in thinking from "being liked" to "being respected"?

2. The Dark Side of Being ‘Nice’

While the desire to be liked might stem from good intentions, such as fostering team cohesion or ensuring a harmonious work environment, there are significant downsides to prioritizing likability over leadership effectiveness. When managers focus excessively on being "nice," they risk undermining their own authority and the long-term success of their team. Here are several ways in which this "nice" mentality can backfire:

Weak Decision-Making

Managers who are overly concerned with being liked often hesitate to make tough decisions that may upset their team. Whether it’s pushing for a high-performing project deadline, making staffing changes, or setting demanding performance expectations, these decisions are often necessary for the company’s success. However, in the quest to avoid conflict or discomfort, a "nice" manager might delay these decisions or even avoid them altogether. This hesitation can lead to missed opportunities and weakened team direction.

Imagine a project manager who avoids setting or meeting challenging deadlines because they fear upsetting the team or certain team members, even though the project's success depends on a tight delivery schedule. By postponing these decisions, the manager risks missing important opportunities, leading to confusion and a lack of direction. Over time, the team may lose confidence in the manager’s ability to lead and question their competence. A leader who prioritizes likability over making tough decisions may be seen as ineffective or lacking the strength needed to drive the team toward success.

A Lack of Accountability

One of the fundamental duties of a manager is to hold their team accountable. Accountability ensures that people take ownership of their tasks and responsibilities, ultimately driving performance and growth. However, managers who focus too much on being liked often avoid holding team members accountable for fear of making them feel uncomfortable or criticized. They may turn a blind eye to missed deadlines, subpar work, or inappropriate behavior because they don't want to cause friction or disappointment.

You already know the case when a manager ignores missed deadlines, subpar work, or inappropriate behavior to avoid confrontation. I bet you don't think too highly about that manager, right? After all, by avoiding accountability, they allow mediocrity, diminished standards, and lower productivity to take hold, as well as a lack of growth for the team. In the long run, this lack of accountability can destroy a team’s morale and motivation, leading to disorganization and inefficiency.

Burnout and Resentment

The burden of trying to please everyone can eventually lead to burnout for the manager. When a manager is too focused on being liked, they often overextend themselves, saying “yes” to every request, meeting everyone’s needs, and bending over backward to avoid conflict. While this may earn temporary affection from the team, it’s not sustainable. Over time, this behavior can cause stress, frustration, and resentment, both for the manager and the team.

When the manager tries to be all things to all people, they can quickly lose sight of their own well-being. Exhaustion sets in, and the manager becomes less effective. I believe you already know a manager who always says "yes" to every request, taking on extra tasks to avoid disappointing anyone. At first, the team appreciated their willingness, but the manager always feels overwhelmed, missing deadlines and neglecting their own well-being, doesn’t he? As his other stress built up, the same does the feeling of neglect the team has, until one day when they lost trust in the manager’s ability to lead effectively. I bet you don’t think too highly about that manager, right? After all, by trying to please everyone, they spread themselves too thin, leading to burnout and frustration, and ultimately undermining trust and team wellbeing and cohesion.

Inability to Provide Constructive Feedback

Effective feedback is one of the most crucial tools for development in any team. Constructive criticism, when delivered correctly, helps employees grow and improve. However, for the “nice” manager, the thought of delivering negative feedback can be daunting. They may shy away from addressing performance issues directly, afraid that their words might hurt someone’s feelings or damage their relationship with that employee. This reluctance to provide honest, direct feedback can create an environment where poor performance goes unaddressed and opportunities for improvement are missed.

Without constructive feedback, team members cannot identify their weaknesses or understand how they can improve. This leads to stagnation, not only in the individual’s growth but also in the overall performance of the team. Additionally, when feedback is not forthcoming, employees may feel undervalued or unclear about expectations, causing confusion and frustration.

Erosion of Trust and Respect

At the core of effective leadership lies the balance of trust and respect. A “nice” leader who is primarily concerned with being liked may inadvertently lose the respect of their team. The reason is simple: respect is built on consistency, transparency, and the ability to make tough calls when necessary. When a manager compromises these elements in order to maintain a friendly image, they risk being seen as a figurehead or, worse, someone who is indecisive or weak.

While kindness is an essential trait of good leadership, it must be paired with the ability to set clear boundaries, make tough decisions, and lead with conviction. When team members perceive a leader as constantly striving for approval, the leader’s authority becomes diluted. Team members may begin to question their manager’s judgment and competence, leading to a decline in trust and a loss of respect.

3. The Need for Balance: Kindness Without Compromise

While it’s clear that focusing solely on being liked isn’t a sustainable or effective leadership strategy, it’s equally important to recognize that kindness and empathy are critical components of strong leadership. A leader who is entirely cold or detached may create a work environment that feels distant or unapproachable, diminishing team morale and trust. Kindness, when balanced with leadership authority, helps to create a supportive and motivating environment where team members feel valued, heard, and understood.

The key lies in finding a balance. Leaders who only strive for results without showing care or empathy risk burnout, resentment, and disengagement from their teams. They may push their people too hard, without fostering the necessary trust or well-being that drives long-term commitment and motivation.

On the other hand, being too "nice" and prioritizing harmony above all else can lead to inefficiency, lack of direction, and disengaged teams. If a leader is constantly focused on being liked and avoiding discomfort, they may fail to challenge their team members, which can lead to stagnation in both individual and team performance.

An effective leader knows when to be empathetic but also when to be assertive. They can show kindness and understanding without compromising on expectations or accountability. For example, they can listen to an employee’s concerns, offer support, but also hold them accountable for their actions or performance. They are firm when providing feedback for improvement and will support 100% of their people’s development. They create an environment where team members feel respected and valued, but also draw and enforce healthy boundaries based on a strong work ethic, clear direction, and clear use of the role’s authority.

In practice, this balance might look like offering individual constructive feedback with empathy, setting clear but fair boundaries, and making tough decisions for the benefit of the team while maintaining transparency and respect. A leader who strikes this balance demonstrates not just authority but also emotional intelligence, leading with both strength and compassion. This approach builds a stronger team and enhances the leader's ability to guide their team through challenges without sacrificing trust or morale.

Ultimately, leadership is about achieving results while nurturing a culture of respect, collaboration, and growth. Leaders who balance kindness with decisiveness create an environment where people feel motivated, supported, and challenged to perform at their best.

Conclusion: Embracing Leadership Over Popularity

Throughout this article, we've explored a simple yet powerful truth: being liked is not the essence of leadership—being effective is. Too often, managers get caught in the trap of trying to win everyone over, believing that popularity equals success. But real leadership is about guiding your team to greater heights, even if it means making tough calls or having uncomfortable conversations. It's about leading with purpose, not pleasing everyone along the way.

Self-confidence and authority are the backbone of effective leadership. When you trust your decisions and stand firm in your leadership, respect naturally follows. Confidence doesn’t mean arrogance—it means knowing when to lead with strength and when to listen with empathy. When your team sees that you are both capable and compassionate, they’ll follow you not because they like you, but because they trust you.

Let’s take a step back from the idea that leadership is about being everyone’s friend. It’s not about being liked for the sake of it, but about driving results, building trust, and focusing on what truly matters: your team's long-term success. Imagine being the kind of leader who inspires respect, not because you try to be liked, but because you do what’s right, even when it's hard. When you focus on creating a culture of accountability, respect, and growth, you empower your team to succeed beyond what they thought was possible.

As you move forward in management, embrace this shift in perspective. Let go of the need for constant approval. In leadership, you are not in the business of keeping everyone happy. You are there to guide your team or organisation toward something bigger, something more meaningful. By embracing your role as a leader who balances authority with empathy and integrity, you’ll build a team that thrives, even through challenges. 

If this article made you pause and reflect—even a little—it’s a sign you’re ready to grow. Let’s take that next step together. Book a discovery call with me, and we’ll explore how your leadership can gain more clarity, alignment, and ethical strength in today’s complex environment. Sometimes, all it takes is a different lens to see your leadership with new eyes.

Share this article with a friend or a colleague who might benefit from this information. As a manager, you need to nurture a valuable and knowledgeable network of allies.

Until next time, keep thriving!

Alina Florea

Your Management Performance Coach 

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