Feedback that Lands

Inspire Action, not Defensiveness

Reading time: 5 minutes

It’s that time of year again: the annual evaluation.

For many managers, the idea of sitting down for those “difficult discussions” with their teams feels like a burden and can take a high emotional toll on them. If you’re anything like I was in my early managerial days, you might dread these conversations for a few reasons:

• You’re not sure how to say things without upsetting your team members.
• You feel guilty because you might not be in a position to offer a pay raise or promotion.
• You’re unsure how to use feedback to inspire action and improve performance.

I’ve been there - caught in that uncomfortable middle ground between wanting to help people grow but not knowing how to do it without creating tension. Over time, though, I realised that these conversations don’t have to be difficult or dreaded. The key lies in how we approach feedback, making it constructive and motivating rather than intimidating or demoralising.

In this article, I’ll share six big mistakes I see repeated by many managers when giving feedback. I’ll also offer real, actionable advice on how you can turn your feedback to land properly and inspire action instead of defensiveness. 

We’ll start by addressing a common pitfall: the sandwich feedback method.

1. The Myth of the "Sandwich" Feedback Method

Early in my career, I was taught the “sandwich” feedback method: start with a compliment, offer constructive criticism, and end with another compliment. In theory, this approach seemed straightforward and balanced. However, in practice, I never felt credible when using it. I also never saw a manager effectively apply it without leaving room for interpretation or diluting the core improvement message.

Feedback that’s “sandwiched” can often feel manipulative. The compliments might feel insincere, and the constructive feedback can get lost in sugarcoating or seem like an afterthought. I learned the hard way that the "sandwich" often leaves people either confused or not hearing the main call for improvement. In addition, I felt the recipient remains unsure whether the feedback is genuine or just an obligation.

Before: I recently helped a project manager reformulate his feedback so that it could land well and motivate. Initially, the PM mentioned that his team leader entered a state of defensiveness when he (the PM) shared the project reality. Below is how the PM initially phrased the feedback to his team leader:

“The project is moving, sort of, and I can see you’re doing your best, especially with the client, so at least on this front, things are moving in a positive direction, let’s say. But, honestly, you have issues with organising the tasks. Your prioritisation, well, it’s been a bit all over the place, and that’s had some impact on the rest of the team. The other leaders have been a bit frustrated, and they complained a lot. And because of the way you organised the tasks, some of your team members had to put in extra hours just to fix things, which wasn’t ideal. A few of them even had to redo work, but I guess that’s something we all deal with sometimes, right? I believe you’re trying your best, as I see you putting in a lot of effort, but it just hasn’t come together like it should have. And things need to change.”

No wonder the team leader took it personally, especially after showing a lot of dedication and putting extra effort himself to keep things under control. This version is extremely vague, minimizes the impact of the issues, tries to sugarcoat the bads, indirectly allocates the blame, and lacks any constructive advice or support. It focuses more on the effort without acknowledging the negative consequences, leaving the team leader feeling discouraged and confused about how to improve.

After: Here is how the project manager reformulated the feedback after our discussion: 

“The project is progressing, and I want to acknowledge the extra effort and care you’ve personally put into managing the client relationship. Your responsiveness to their concerns has been very valuable. There is, however, one critical area that needs your immediate attention: the way priorities are set within the team. The lack of clear prioritisation has led to inefficiencies, such as overtime and task rework, which have impacted both the team’s productivity (ex: we needed an extra week to deliver) and the overall project cost (X amount). As coordinators and managers, it is on us to create clarity for our team and focus the team’s effort to obtain the planned results. To address this, I recommend setting up a weekly planning meeting with the other two team leaders to align and coordinate your planning efforts. Additionally, holding a weekly status review with your team members on Fridays will allow you to track task completion, assign clear deadlines, and prioritise the most critical tasks. This will ensure your team stays aligned with the other two teams and that all leaders are on the same page regarding priorities. With a clearer view of urgent and high-impact tasks, confusion will be reduced and overall efficiency improved. I am here to support you with this new way of doing things, so let’s set short weekly one-on-ones to check in on how you see things are progressing, at least for the first two months.”

This version includes a specific acknowledgement for the positive contribution as well as a straightforward call for change, offering also a solution and a framework of accountability and growth. It offers both an operational process (weekly planning session with team and peer coordinators) and an accountability and personal development tool (one-on-one check-in meetings) to help manage both priorities and the growth of this team leader in a more effective way.

Think about it: 

• Focus on behavior or outcome, instead of attacking potential.
• Be specific and data-driven when addressing negative results.
• Set clear, direct expectations for improvement.
• Agree on transparent solutions with your team leader.
• Offer specific solutions instead of vague or generic support.

2. Focusing on the Behavior, Not the Person

One mistake I made early in my career - and continue to see many managers make - is targeting the person rather than the behavior. It’s easy to think that giving honest feedback means telling someone exactly what you observe, but when we say things like, “You’re not being a team player” or “You’re not taking ownership of your work”, we’re attacking the person, not their actions. This approach often leads to defensiveness and conflict.

The issue here is that feedback should be about behaviors, not identities. Yes, you may have noticed that someone's actions didn’t contribute to collaboration or that their attitude towards accuracy and timeliness seemed lacking. But how you phrase it makes all the difference. If your feedback is personal, it’s more likely to upset your employee and shut down the conversation.

For example, I’ve seen managers say, “You need to be more proactive. You don’t take the initiative in meetings.” While this may feel like honest feedback, it’s vague and general and doesn’t provide actionable steps. It also doesn’t help the employees understand what exactly they can improve.

After: A better approach would be:

 “In the last three meetings, you’ve stayed quiet during our brainstorming sessions. I’m curious: What led to that?... (and make a pause to collect their answer)... Next time, I’d love for you to share at least one idea or suggestion. Your input always contains fresh perspectives, therefore, it could help the team.”

This feedback focuses on a specific behavior (not speaking in meetings) and invites the employee to reflect on their actions while providing a clear, actionable suggestion for change.

Ask yourself:

• How can you reframe your feedback to focus on actions rather than attributes?
• How would this shift the conversation from being personal to constructive?
• Have you taken the time to understand why your report remained silent?
• Are you sure you understand how to best support your report in shifting their behavior or attitude?
• This approach ensures your feedback is clear, actionable, and focused on improvement—not judgment.

3. Giving Feedback Too Late

Another big mistake in providing feedback is waiting too long to give it. Whether it's to acknowledge excellent behavior or results, address a performance issue, or correct a minor mistake, feedback is often delayed.

In the best-case scenario, managers might believe that good results should be the norm and, therefore, don't require praise. However, failing to highlight the positive behaviours that led to those results can create the impression that managers are only focused on criticism, never recognizing achievements. This is demotivating, especially for individuals who rely on external validation to feel valued. In addition, such lack deprives reports from becoming aware of what is considered to be a virtuous behaviour praised by the culture. 

At worst, feedback is delayed because managers fear confrontation or don’t view the issue as “big enough” to address. But the truth is that the longer you wait, the less effective the feedback becomes.

Why? When feedback is postponed, the issue becomes more distant in both the manager’s and employee’s minds, and the employee (and even you) may not even remember the event clearly. Most importantly, the chance to correct the behavior is lost.

I’ve coached senior leaders who used to wait until the annual performance review to address recurring issues like poor communication or ineffective people management. By then, the feedback feels like an afterthought, and it no longer motivates the change they intended.

Consider this:

• When was the last time you addressed an issue in real-time instead of letting it linger for months? 
• Could providing immediate feedback have helped resolve the situation sooner? 
• And next time, what would you do differently to make your feedback more effective?
• By giving feedback promptly, you not only prevent small issues from growing but also reinforce positive behaviors that contribute to team success.

4. Giving Vague Feedback

A common mistake I see in feedback is when it’s too vague to be actionable. Phrases like “You need to improve” or “Be more engaged” may sound like feedback, but they don’t provide any direction for improvement. Why? Because they don’t tell the employee exactly what needs to change or how to do it.

The key to effective feedback is being specific and measurable. It should follow the SMART framework: Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-bound. In management, the best feedback is rooted in concrete examples and actionable suggestions. For instance, instead of saying, “You need to communicate better,” a more effective approach would be, “In the last two team meetings, your updates lacked key details, which left the team unclear on the next steps. Let’s focus on structuring your updates by adding KPIs and inviting your managers to discuss variations.”

This feedback is clear and actionable and gives the employee something concrete to work on, making it easier for them to improve.

What do you think? 

• How can you make your feedback more specific so that the recipient knows exactly what actions to take?
• What would such a shift require from you?
• How confident are you in working with the SMART concept?

5. Not Following Up on Feedback

As we’ve discussed, feedback isn’t a one-time event—it’s part of an ongoing conversation. When you give feedback and don’t revisit it, you’re not holding anyone accountable for progress. This approach sets you up for disappointment and failure. It also subtly signals that you don’t care whether things improve, even if you’ve invested time in providing feedback.

In my experience, the most effective leaders make feedback a regular part of their interactions with their teams—whether monthly or at least quarterly. After giving feedback, always follow up during the next one-on-one or team meeting to assess whether progress has been made. This ensures accountability and helps your team members feel supported.

Reflect on this: 

• How can you make feedback a continuous loop? 
• What’s one area where you could follow up with someone to keep the momentum going? 
• And how can you build in a feedback loop to assess the quality of your own feedback?
• By consistently checking in, you show that feedback is a tool for growth, not just a one-time event.

6. Disconnecting Performance Feedback from Salary Increases

Last but not least, another common trap leaders fall into is linking performance feedback to discussions on salary increases or promotions. When employees start to view feedback solely through the lens of compensation, it distorts the conversation and undermines the value of honest and constructive criticism and the opportunity for growth.

Before: I worked with many new middle managers dreading the annual performance evaluation because they knew they couldn’t offer a pay raise to their people. Out of fear of having to explain why they couldn’t offer an increase, they felt hesitant to hold their reports accountable for the quality of their work and behavior. As a result, employees often shifted the focus of the discussion to the raise only, missing the part on areas for improvement or resisting it, derailing the opportunity for growth-focused feedback.

After: Through coaching, the leaders I worked with learned to separate performance feedback from salary discussions. They started to approach feedback as a tool for professional development only, focusing on what their reports could improve or build upon. Salary discussions were kept separate, making feedback a more valuable opportunity for growth and not just a transactional conversation about financial rewards.

Why does this matter? When you tie feedback to salary, it risks turning the conversation into a transactional exchange, where employees might view feedback as a bargaining tool rather than a chance to learn and grow. This approach can create anxiety and defensiveness, which reduces the effectiveness of feedback.

Reflect on this: 

• How can you separate performance feedback from compensation to foster a more growth-oriented conversation? 
• How might this shift create a more supportive, productive environment for both you and your reports?
• What would this shift require from you?
• By keeping performance feedback and salary discussions distinct, you help employees see feedback as a valuable tool for growth rather than just a step in the pay-raise process.

Conclusion

Feedback discussions don’t have to be difficult or uncomfortable. When delivered with clarity, focus, and a growth-oriented mindset, it becomes a powerful tool for development rather than a source of anxiety. By recognizing and avoiding common mistakes and embracing best practices, you’ll create a culture where feedback drives action, fosters improvement, and empowers your team to thrive. The key is to approach feedback as an ongoing conversation that supports growth, not just a one-time evaluation. With the right approach, you’ll inspire trust, motivation, and continuous improvement in your team.

Ready to take your feedback skills to the next level? Let’s have a 1-on-1 discussion to explore how you can refine your feedback approach and drive better results within your team. If this resonates with you, I’d be happy to guide you in honing your skills in conducting performance evaluation discussions with your people. If you have not done so already, why not reserve your complimentary strategic session? Together, we cand work on fine-tuning your leadership skills and creating a lasting impact on your life and your organization.

Until next time, keep thriving!

Alina Florea

Your Management Performance Coach 

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