Taking Things Personally and Management

Reading time: 10 minutes

Introduction

Taking things personally in management is often a knee-jerk reaction rooted in the "fight" response of our defence mechanisms. The human brain is wired to ensure immediate response for protection, whether it is about physical or emotional protection. While in the modern corporate world, your physical integrity is in a majority of cases not in danger, it is not the same for your emotional safety. The human brain treats them similarly and, since it is about vital survival, it is designed to respond fast.

Think about the following job-related situations and picture yourself as a manager subject to the following circumstances:

• Receipt of public criticism from superiors or peers

• Lack of acknowledgement or appreciation for achievements

• Micromanagement and lack of autonomy from your manager or some peers

• Negative workplace gossip or rumours

• Long lack of any direction, silence from your manager or collaborators

• Inconsistent feedback or unclear expectations

• Work-life balance conflicts and excessive work hours

• Discrimination or bias based on gender, age, or ethnicity

• Isolation or exclusion from key meetings and decisions

• Threats of job loss or demotion

• Unresolved conflicts with team members or other departments

• Having to deliver bad news to various stakeholders (eg. communicating project losses to your project director or a decision to fire or some negative feedback to your team members)

For the sake of personal safety (i.e. emotional safety), the human brain fires automatic responses for defence. Taking things personally is just one of these short-fuse automatic responses, where we discount the facts and listen and act based on the emotions or feelings triggered in us by our perception of what happened to us.

This modern manifestation of our primal instincts can emerge across all tiers of management, from junior to senior levels, each manifesting this response in nuanced scenarios reflective of their roles and pressures. We make assumptions about what people think or the meaning behind people’s actions, all the time. If in your past professional experience, you've been hurt, exposed or mistreated by other people managers or not, you're even more likely to take things personally in the present. You carry that past experience as an example of what you need to avoid or as an example of what you need to fence against, and this is why how you interpret the present through the glasses of what you want to avoid as if the present is already predestined to repeat the past and you have no power to shift direction having no other way to proceed further than repeating the past.

So let's assume you are a junior manager. For many years you worked with a very skilled technical expert who used to severely criticise the work he delegated to you. Now you have been nominated as a first-line manager yourself, and whenever your manager or other peer managers are providing you feedback on your or your team’s work, you view it as an attack on your competence, interpreting it as a personal affront rather than an objective assessment.

Or maybe you are a middle manager. You participate in an inter-departmental meeting and you make several very innovative suggestions that remain with no echo. You interpret it as a lack of respect, a sign of resistance or an attempt of having your authority undermined, rather than a normal part of collaborative deliberation. 

Those senior managers who did not learn how to deal with taking things too personally will also get triggered, for example in the strategic discussions, where challenges to their vision for the company are seen not as healthy discourse but as questioning their leadership and capabilities.

This defence mechanism activates because it serves a dual purpose: it provides a fleeting sense of vindication when feeling powerless. It positions the manager as a righteous victim in a narrative where their self-worth, character, or abilities are perceived to be under siege. "How dare they?" becomes the rallying cry to create a semblance of safety through offence. However, this mechanism, while offering short-term solace, ultimately erodes credibility and undermines one's position in management. 

By engaging in this pattern, managers inadvertently project their insecurities, seeking to control perceptions and blame others without confrontation, thereby damaging professional relationships and stunting personal growth.

Managing Situations Without Taking Things Personally

1. Get Clarity

Understanding what is in one’s control or not is paramount in management. Managers should focus on aspects within their control, such as their responses to feedback, decision-making processes, and personal development. Recognizing the distinction between what is within their control and what is not is crucial for effective leadership and personal growth.

What Managers Can Control:

• Their Responses to Feedback: Choosing to see feedback as a growth opportunity rather than a personal attack.

• Decision-Making Processes: Making informed, objective decisions based on the best available information.

• Personal Development: Investing in their skills, emotional intelligence, and resilience to become better leaders.

• Personal Learning: Actively seeking opportunities for self-improvement.

• The Tone of Communication: Setting a positive, clear communication style.

• Prioritization of Tasks: Focusing on what matters most for the team and personal objectives.

• Delegation: Deciding what tasks to delegate and to whom.

• Workplace Culture: Cultivating a supportive and inclusive environment.

• Conflict Resolution: How they manage and intervene in team disputes.

• Personal Boundaries: Maintaining a healthy work-life balance.

• Response to Failure: Viewing setbacks as learning opportunities.

• Team Motivation: Implementing strategies to keep the team engaged and motivated.

What Managers Cannot Control:

• Others' Perceptions and Actions: You cannot control how others perceive you or their actions towards you.

• The Outcome of Every Situation: Despite best efforts, the result may not always be as expected due to external factors.

• Others' Feelings: People's emotions and reactions are influenced by their personal experiences and contexts.

• Others' Reactions: People's emotional responses and feelings.

• Market Forces: Economic conditions and industry trends.

• Organizational Decisions: Decisions made at higher levels outside of their authority.

• Team Members' Personal Lives: External factors affecting employees' performance.

• Colleagues' Work Ethic: Individual commitment levels.

• Global Events: Unpredictable occurrences that impact operations.

• Customers' Perceptions: The public's opinion and reaction to products or services.

• Legislative Changes: New laws and regulations affecting the industry.

• Competitors' Actions: Strategies and movements of rival companies.

• Technological Disruptions: Innovations that change industry standards or practices.

Getting clear on what is within your control and what is not will enable you to invest your energy more wisely, and focus your efforts where you can truly make a difference. By doing so, you will foster a sense of empowerment and focus on actionable areas while accepting that some factors are beyond your influence. 

This understanding helps in reducing the tendency to take things personally, as it emphasizes personal agency and growth, rather than external validation or control over uncontrollable aspects. Furthermore, it fosters resilience, adaptability, and leadership effectiveness.

Often under the pressure of time, whenever managers are not aware of the nature of their thoughts and the assumptions they are making while interpreting the world around them, managers find it very difficult to not take it personally. 

2. Setting Better Boundaries

Often, taking it too personally happens because managers set themselves into a role conflict. 

- Are you the manager or the friend (maybe you made friends or your report is also a relative of yours)? 

- Are you the supervisor needing to give honest feedback about a poor performance or are you the saviour of your team member? 

- Are you the responsible manager who has to bring in bad news and a correction plan to your manager or a person who hates to disappoint the one who supported you all around? 

Effective boundary-setting is crucial for managers to distinguish between their personal identity and their professional role. This separation helps in safeguarding one's self-esteem from being overly influenced by external opinions and criticism.

Here's how managers can apply this concept:

• Work-Life Balance: Actively delineate between work hours and personal time to avoid burnout and maintain a healthy mental state.

• Feedback Reception: Learn to receive feedback as constructive criticism meant for professional growth, rather than a personal attack on character or abilities.

• Professional Detachment: Maintain a level of detachment from work outcomes, recognizing that while effort and strategy are controllable, results often depend on variables outside one’s control.

• Personal Values vs. Professional Roles: Clarify personal values and understand how they align with or differ from professional roles, ensuring that work conflicts do not become personal value conflicts.

• Communication Boundaries: Establish clear communication guidelines that respect personal boundaries, including availability outside work hours.

• Emotional Boundaries: Develop strategies to manage emotional investment in work, focusing on rational over emotional responses to work situations.

• Decision-Making Autonomy: Cultivate an environment where decisions are made based on objective criteria rather than personal biases or pressures. Mind that your decisions, especially when these are related to strategic objectives, are just recommendations you make to your senior management. Your call is to present your recommendation as your decision. Their call is to ultimately take that decision.

• Acceptance of Limitations: Acknowledge and accept personal and professional limitations, focusing on continuous improvement without self-criticism.

• Delegation and Trust: Delegate tasks appropriately, trusting in the capabilities of others, to reduce personal workload and stress.

• Self-Care Practices: Implement regular self-care practices that support mental and physical health, reinforcing the importance of personal well-being in maintaining professional effectiveness.

By setting better boundaries, managers not only protect their personal well-being but also enhance their professional performance, creating a more balanced and fulfilling career.

3. Building a solid base on self-worth

Building a solid foundation of self-worth involves recognizing one's value beyond professional achievements, enabling managers to process feedback without impacting their personal identity. 

 In management, the journey towards building a solid foundation of self-worth begins with introspection. Managers, by nature, are thrust into positions where their decisions, leadership style, and performance are under constant scrutiny. This external pressure can often lead to a skewed sense of self-worth, tied predominantly to professional successes or failures. However, the key to resilient leadership lies in recognizing one’s intrinsic value, independent of external achievements. By being able to recognise, accept and showcase their strengths and qualities, managers cultivate a sense of self-worth that is not at the mercy of fluctuating professional landscapes or depending on external observers to agree or confirm.

Delving deeper, the essence of self-worth in management is anchored in the values and principles that define a leader. If you do not appreciate other people's values or principles, find out those you would like to have if you would be a better manager. 

Instead of asking "How am I perceived as a manager?" ask yourself "What kind of manager do I aspire to be?". Get clear about your response, and act as if you already are one, as if you already are that manager. 

Similar questions you can ask yourself:

“What kind of collaborator do I want to be?” instead of pretending others to collaborate with you.

“What transparency do I want to create and maintain?” instead of pushing others to be more transparent or claiming others are not transparent.

“How inclusive do you want to be in all your approaches and how consistently do you show inclusiveness?” instead of claiming others to be more inclusive.

“How permissive to mistakes connected to learning and growth want you to be?” instead of pretending others to be more permissive to you.

This shift in perspective allows managers to focus on personal growth and character development, prioritizing qualities like integrity, empathy, compassion, inclusion, and resilience. By aligning their professional identity with these core values, managers build a stable foundation of self-worth that enhances their leadership and decision-making process.

Moreover, the application of self-worth in management extends to how feedback and criticism are received. A manager with a strong sense of self-worth can objectively analyze feedback, separating constructive insights from personal critiques, rarely falling into the trap of generalisations or exaggerations. This ability to discern and apply relevant feedback without internalizing it or communicating it as a personal failure is crucial. It transforms potential sources of insecurity into opportunities for professional and personal development, thereby reinforcing the manager's self-worth and resilience.

The practical application of these insights in managerial settings involves a proactive approach to self-reflection and communication. When faced with criticism or feedback, taking a moment to pause, reflect, breathe and seek clarification can prevent knee-jerk reactions that stem from insecurities. 

Questions like, "How can I use this feedback to grow?" or "How does this feedback align with my values?" guide managers in using external input as a tool for self-improvement rather than a weapon against self-esteem. This process fosters a growth mindset, turning challenges into stepping stones towards becoming the manager one aspires to be.

Lastly, the cultivation of self-worth among managers is an ongoing process that demands consistency and commitment. It involves regularly revisiting and affirming one’s values, celebrating all personal achievements - inside and outside the professional sphere, and engaging in self-care practices. By dedicating time and energy to personal development, managers not only enhance their leadership capabilities but also establish a sense of self-worth that is resilient to external pressures. This solid foundation of self-worth is what ultimately enables managers to lead with confidence, empathy, and integrity, inspiring those around them to do the same.

Before Closing

Becoming aware of your self-sabotaging patterns is the first step in helping you see:

- how you are prone to interpret things happening in your environment as happening TO YOU or being AGAINST YOU,

- how you bring in meaning that has never been intended,

- how you create or maintain assumptions or conclusions about persons and situations as being bad, dangerous or risky, and

- how your automatic pilot self-defence reactions are triggered and fired.

The awareness given by knowing your thinking saboteurs helps you understand you have options to taking it personally, and each of these options is a more effective way in which you can manage those situations where taking it too personally hijacks your decision-making ability. 

Coaching provides a tailored approach helping managers to not take things personally by offering strategies and insights for emotional resilience. Through coaching, managers learn to distinguish between constructive criticism and personal attacks, enhancing their ability to respond rather than react. It fosters a growth mindset, encourages self-reflection, and helps in identifying triggers that lead to inappropriate or ineffective defensive or protective behaviours (thinking saboteurs). By developing these skills, managers can maintain emotional safety, improve interpersonal relationships, and enhance their leadership effectiveness in the face of challenges. 

Alina Florea

Your Management Performance Coach

Summary:

_{The article "Taking Things Personally in Management" explores the instinctual "fight" response to perceived threats to emotional safety in the corporate world, illustrating how managers may misinterpret feedback and situations as personal attacks due to past experiences and defensive mechanisms. It emphasizes the importance of recognizing what is within one's control, such as responses to feedback and personal growth and setting boundaries to separate personal identity from professional roles. Building a solid foundation of self-worth beyond professional achievements is advocated as crucial for processing feedback healthily. The piece concludes with insights on self-awareness and coaching as tools for enhancing emotional resilience and leadership effectiveness.}

_{Key takeaways include:}

• _{Emotional safety is often endangered by corporate dynamics.}
• _{Taking things personally is a defence mechanism against perceived threats.}
• _{Recognizing control over responses, not outcomes, is vital.}
• _{Effective boundary-setting separates professional roles from personal identity.}
• _{Building self-worth is essential for healthy feedback processing.}
• _{Self-awareness helps identify and mitigate self-sabotaging patterns.}
• _{Coaching can support managers in developing emotional resilience.}
• _{A growth mindset and self-reflection are encouraged for personal development.}
• _{Identifying triggers can improve interpersonal relationships and decision-making.}
• _{Leadership effectiveness is enhanced by managing personal reactions constructively.}