Are You Coachable?

MINDSET AND COACHABILITY

In her book “Mindset. Changing the way you think to fulfil your potential”, Carol Dweck studies how human mind functions in respect of learning, in an attempt to explain why and how some people manage to recover from and go fast over mistakes, personal failures or personal points of low and be successful, while other people remain prisoners in a victim rhetoric and find it very difficult to move forward from such unfortunate events.

In one word, she studies the mindset. And she discovered that the major difference people have in choices of their approaches to moving forward, lies in two patterns of human thinking, feeling and behaving, i.e. two patterns of mindset, which she called growth mindset and fixed mindset.

Growth Mindset “is based on the belief that your basic qualities are things you can cultivate through your efforts. Although people may differ in every which way — in their initial talents and aptitudes, interests, or temperaments — everyone can change and grow through application and exercise. This view creates a love of learning and a resilience that is essential for great accomplishment.”

Fixed Mindset “is based on the belief that your qualities are carved in stone, which creates an urgency to prove yourself over and over. If you only have a certain amount of intelligence, a certain personality, and a certain moral character - well, then you’d better prove that you have a healthy dose of them. It simply wouldn’t do to look deficient in these most basic characteristics.”

The main difference between the two mindsets is the way they relate to learning. A person demonstrating a growth mindset will aim for continuous learning and will not feel bad to show up as a “novice” when learning, trying, testing, failing and correcting, since they know in the end, every such step comes with a nugget of learning irrespective whether you can be judged by the others as having successful or failing. In addition, these people disconnect their own value from pure achieving.

On the other side, people demonstrating a fixed mind would try to defend what they know and protect how they show up in the world. They will feel extremely stretched and challenged by those unknown environments where they feel they need to keep their flawless performance for fear of being considered not enough. And they will look, search and settle for external validation to give them appreciation of who they are, which appreciation they would transform into a source of motivation, limited and scarce and always in external control.

Coaching is a way of learning. When someone is drawn to coaching, they approach it from two ends:

1. The natural one, when they resonate with coaching and find the coaching process satisfying since it helps them access their own depths unknown to them before that specific coaching session.  
2. The “forced” one, when the coaching client pushes themselves into coaching because they tried and tested so many other methods, none of them worked and now they are in a very critical situation, risking to pay more by not doing anything, and somehow hoping for a miracle.

I personally like clients in the first category. They are action takers. They not only know what they know, know what they do not know, and know who they are today has nothing to do with who they can be tomorrow. But, they also are not afraid of speaking-up about what they know they do not know, what they know they are afraid of, they like to remain curious about who they can be, and accept to ask for support in finding out who they can be.

These are the clients who understand the role played by the coaching process, and the value added by a good professional coach; and invest time to search for a coach with whom they are a perfect match, and enter with enthusiasm in their coaching journey.

Not all clients in the second category can be coached, irrespective of how loudly they declare they want to be coached. Why? Because not all people are coachable.

One’s mindset will determine whether someone is coachable. A growth mindset means someone is coachable. If you’re struggling or resistant to your coach, then you are likely in a fixed mindset.

Sometimes people with a fixed mindset see coaching as a form of weakness, as a flaw other people have and want to fix or as a sign of low intelligence. In contrast to someone who displays a growth mindset, who is using the same coaching feedback for strength and self-empowerment.

However, it is important to know that coachability occurs on a continuum. It’s not an all or nothing proposition here. In fact, there are situations in life when we can all find ourselves in a position where we are uncoachable and at the effect of some circumstances. Or, there might be topics we refuse to be coachable on, while on others we’re completely open about. And sometimes, we are willing to be coachable with some people and not others. Of course, all these particularities can also be food for our own thoughts and input to understand better our preference for learning.

Being coachable means you allow or invite learning and change as opposed to acting in resistance to it, irrespective of your reason for which you choose - consciously or not - to stay / sit / remain in resistance to the coaching process.

In fact, one of the reasons I always offer my client a complementary 90-minute free discovery session, besides giving us the chance to know each other, establish a first qualitative rapport of trust and understanding the real need of my potential client, is to assess whether they are coachable in relationship with me.

No coach is in the business of fixing people, or in pushing people to change, or in convincing they need coaching. Definitely not me!

SIGNS OF NOT BEING COACHABLE

While one may think a good coach would be able to coach anyone, I truly believe  the following signs indicate someone who is not being coachable at that moment in their life and in relationship with me.

1. They sound, feel and act powerless

The coachee expects from a coach to solve all their issues or provide a magic wand with which would be able to erase the difficulty, the pain, the effort or the need for the transformation. In other words the people who expect to be told exactly what to do.

In real life, this looks like managers blaming other managers or specialists for having forced the former to take certain decisions. It is as if the respective managers abdicated from their own responsibility to take that decision, as having no power or authority for it whatsoever, and complaining about the result.

A person running a business or a portion or function of it, cannot abdicate personal responsibility and expect someone else to make the decisions for them. An inability to act independently will leave someone in a leadership position feeling powerless. By doing so, they would give in fact the power to someone else, so would be the  artisans of their own powerlessness without even understanding, noticing or wanting it.

When understanding this dynamic, it takes lots of courage to see and admit it, even more than to take steps to correct it. Emotionally, there will always be people choosing victimhood, for it is emotionally painful for one to admit the wrongdoing to one self, to accept they are where they are, and to take corrective actions. 

2. Always believing they are right

One of the most often manifestations of people resisting coaching is believing they already “know it all” or “have already seen everything”, that “there is nothing new under the sun for them” or "they know it better because the coach is not in their field of activity so they have nothing to learn from the coach". 

When a person seeking out coaching does not relinquish this position, they would look in fact after evidence from the coach in support of their opinion or would look for details showing the coach does not understand their field of activity, without the necessary openness to make the coaching relationship a success. 

A professional coach will understand if the client is ready to open and let go of their position, and will actually save your time and money right from the beginning if, after the discovery call, the coach identifies this unreadiness.

I can assure you: even for the coach is not at all fulfilling to have a coaching relationship dreading and leading nowhere. At least, this is my truth!

3. The coachee sounds and acts in resistance

Not being open to change - read acting with resistance or being resistant to coaching - can present itself in several ways. Sustaining their way is the only way (see item 2 above) OR acting unwillingly to test something new because they have always done it "this way" OR for insisting they already tried and it did not work.  Not being open to new viewpoints, angles and perspectives makes someone inherently uncoachable.

How are these resistance moments recognisable during any conversation? Count your “buts…” and all those instances you mention about having tried it, before rejecting or dismissing any new perspective. Mind these moments are also easy to pick for all the people with whom you are in a relationship, including your boss and your family.

And be aware when you listen to other people of what is your intention (a.k.a. mindset) with which are you listening? Is it to discover new things (i.e. with curiosity to notice what is new and possible) or is it to find a crack in the other’s logic, rebut it and/or "win"?

4. Lacking self-awareness and not willing to be vulnerable

Seeing vulnerability as weakness rather than strength and courage, prohibits us from being really authentic. We can’t grow or lead a team or business if we can’t be authentic with ourselves and others. Vulnerability is the key to self-awareness.

With this mindset in place, one will show up always dressed in armour in the coaching session, repelling new perspectives and fighting for the supremacy of their personal perspective. However, in the real world, they will lack the muscles to be authentically courageous and decisive in their own decision making, sometimes even for small decisions. Or will do exactly the same: will rebut any other perspective to the expense of teamwork or relationships.

5. Lacks Emotional intelligence

Someone who lacks the capacity to be aware of and express their emotions appropriately will inherently lack the ability to handle relationships with others thoughtfully and empathetically. This includes the relationship with self and the coaching relationship.

How does it sound or look like a person mishandling the relationship with self?

They are prone to judge themselves harshly and be very critical to their own ability, capacity, skill or position. In addition, they would show very little understanding and compassion for self, and will beat themselves up for the smallest error they believe they made. This approach will always put themselves in second place irrespective of what they do and will hinder their progress since they will constantly be afraid of being judged by other people.

How does it sound or look like a person mishandling the relationship with the coach?

Expecting the coach to provide for the magic wand or for a bullet proof solution that would not require their own effort to refocus and move mindfully ahead. And being disappointed this does not happen, in spite of the initial agreement coaching is not about this.

6. Unrealistic expectations and goals

The individual manager who wants to double, triple their performance without the right infrastructure in place or the right effort to support that growth and is unwilling to listen to logic, is setting themselves and their team up for a stressful, unfulfilling year.

If they are not prepared to see the unrealistic expectations they have from themselves, and plan for the road ahead differently, they set themselves for failure. And probably will learn the lesson the hard way, if ever.

7. Unwilling to get outside their comfort zone

Fear is a natural and essential part of learning and growth. However, many people are waiting to take action until they are no longer afraid rather than embracing courageous action.

This requires you to give up control during the coaching session and acknowledge your contribution in all those situations where you encountered a challenge, while still maintaining a positive outlook about the future and a healthy dose of curiosity and adventure to discover who you can or will be, if you take the road leading out of your comfort zone.

In the end, I leave with you a checklist you can apply to assess your own coachability.

• What makes you coachable?
• When are you coachable?
• Who are you coachable with?
• When aren’t you coachable?
• Who are the people that you are resistant to, when they provide feedback?
• What does it look like when you’re not being coachable? 
• What did it look like last time when you think you were coacheable? 
• What are your behaviours, actions, words you use/d?

If you are satisfied with your answers and feel ready to set yourself on your coaching journey, choose your discovery session and let’s strategically build your success in an elevated executive career.